I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just had sex on a roof
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
