I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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