your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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