somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
