Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
