FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
