I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
