you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
