i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Bring me that man meat
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
