Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
