I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
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It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
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I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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