You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
