I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
