nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
