She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Randomize
