do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
NoShamevember. You game?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
