He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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