Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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