I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
