I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
