Four minutes until I can fart!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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