i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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