He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
