I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize