I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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