better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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