Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
