I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
