Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
