I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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