I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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