Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
