everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
