This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
