so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
