video games are the ultimate cock blocker
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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