im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
