This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize