We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize