I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
