i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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