Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
FUCK WHALES
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
