listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
