I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
