the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
