Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
