70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
