Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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