waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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