Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
birth control should be required to get into college
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
