so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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