just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
