our cab driver is having phone sex.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
