"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
